


Be Still

by thingsishouldntbedoing



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, ME2 canon, au-ish, help I love Shakarian too much, stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-27
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-16 07:56:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/859757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingsishouldntbedoing/pseuds/thingsishouldntbedoing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had so many things to say to her. He hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye, much less express his gratitude. Now he had his chance, and with so many other regrets behind him he should take it. He should say something. Anything. But with a war still on the horizon, with two years between them, how could he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the start of something new

**Author's Note:**

> So my muse vanished on me while I played through Mass Effect 2 again and I decided to do the Shakarian romance the way I would have written it. Help me. This pairing has consumed my life. This will be a slow build, but I promise it will be rewarding.
> 
> Shout out to the asshole that inspired this. He destroyed me with his headcanon. //Sad laugh.

He saw it coming, watching in slow motion as the gunship wavered to rise back above the railing of the building. His readouts were screaming even as he lifted his body, bedraggled in its sleep deprived and wounded state. The wounds to his body from the high-powered guns were nothing when he realized what would happen as Shepard turned the corner from the stairs. _I have to protect her._ He caught traction and dove forward, his only hope was to move… to warn her… to do something _anything_ because the thought of doing nothing for the one person who meant everything… well he wasn’t going to fail her. 

“GARRUS!” He heard her through the fog as he hit the ground. He wanted to say something to her, comfort the pain in her voice or at least tell her he was sorry… for what he wasn’t really sure but in his dying thoughts it was all that mattered. Sorry for failing at C-Sec. Sorry for failing at being a merc killer. Sorry for failing at being her protégé. Sorry for drowning his grief in bloodshed and liquor. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 

His eyes closed at the sight of her, face determined as she fired back at the gunship. Sorry for not believing in her. 

\---

His eyes opened to a bright room… perhaps brighter than the migraine currently thrumming through his optic nerve might have liked. “You narrowly missed having your head cleaved in two by a rocket, Vakarian, I hope you’re happy.” He heard a familiar voice. 

“Ch-Dr. Chakwas!” He knew better than to sit up, he was starting to feel the pain in the side of his face. “Shepard! Is she?” 

“The Commander is in a debriefing. She dragged you here half dead I’m impressed with your fortitude.” The human smiled. It was good to see a familiar face caring for him, good to know the others had survived. 

“Yeah? Well I have some unfinished business to attend to, Turian honor dictates no death until all tasks are complete.” He quipped, mandibles flicking into a smile he immediately regretted. “Where can I… find her?” He sat up and touched his fingers to the hole in his armor. He would wear it for now. At least until he found Sidonis. 

“Don’t think you’re going anywhere! You’re barely holding together as it is! One could sneeze and you’d fall apart.” Chakwas told him angrily. 

“Well I promise I won’t eat any peanuts, doc.” He levied a hand as he stepped onto his feet. “This is important.” 

“Fine. Make it quick.” She gestured. “If I catch you wandering about I’ll have a new Turian handbag and shoes to boot, understand?” He flicked a mandible at her threat, chuckling deep in his sub-harmonics as he left. 

His conversation with Shepard was short and cheered him up immensely. With this new teammate there it was difficult to discuss anything further with her until later, though he quickly found that later would be held off longer than he thought as she asked him to join them back on Omega once more to recruit a Salarian… it didn’t take her long to put him back in the field. 

Chakwas would be getting her new handbag after all. 

\---

The plague had been the second most uncomfortable thing he’d done in his short life; the first most uncomfortable thing undoubtedly went to the goddamned rocket to the face. Seemed like everything around Shepard either exploded or shot at you, and he could now add ‘infect you with a dangerous disease’ to that list, though he wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Being back in Shepard’s light was the best thing that had happened to him. After all… what was the human phrase? You had to take the good with the bad? His mandibles flicked as he snorted over his station, yet another regrettable action. 

“Something funny Vakarian?” He turned when he heard her voice, deep and affecting in a way she seemed to reserve for him. 

“Calibrations, Commander.” He replied, straightening up just slightly and tilting his chin up. She had such a presence, even with her soft body. Honestly he had thought she was an ugly and unremarkable thing at first, all pink and soft flesh… humans were not creatures he would consider particularly sturdy in comparison to his own kind. But this human had proved him wrong time and time again… especially with her miraculous revival. Something he had yet to discuss. It seemed there were too many things to say and not enough time to say them. _How do I even begin?_

“Well just be sure they’re finished, we’re going to pick up a prisoner from Purgatory.” She gestured. He was well aware of the humans’ fondness for gesticulation, a feature shared with his own kind… but he found himself watching her slender, multi-fingered hands with curiosity. _What’s happening to me?_ “But I’ll leave you to it, don’t get too distracted.” He recognized amusement in her voice. 

“We haven’t had a chance to talk since I came aboard.” He interrupted; terrified she was about to leave. Why did he want to draw this conversation out? His chest felt tight as he tried to find the right words to say. To perhaps explain to her how it had felt when she had died. Maybe try to explain why it meant everything to him to keep her alive. “Not really.” 

She searched his face for a moment, the glowing scars on her face shifting ever so slightly as her brow wrinkled. _Curiosity._ He felt pleased. “Sure, what do you need Garrus?” 

Good question. What did he need? He noticed a single strand of yellow hair had escaped from the tight roll atop her head, glinting in the dim light of the battery. He wasn't sure he understood the concept of human hair, now that he considered it, it served no purpose beyond existing as a knot on the top of the commander's head… and the damned stuff seemed to be constantly growing. It wasn't like the Turians' plates, hard and unforgiving, it seemed to be soft and pliable and thus offered no reasonable protection. He made a mental note to ask Mordin about it later. 

He realized he’d been staring when she cleared her throat, her face quirking into a smile that made the glowing scars look lovely. “I… I need to finish these calibrations.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Could we do this another time?” 

Shepard’s lips parted and he felt his heart leap. “Sure, Garrus. And thanks, by the way.” 

“Thanks for what?” He asked dumbly, face aching as his mandibles twitched. 

“For jumping in front of that rocket for me.” She replied in a tone he didn’t recognize. “It wasn’t something I expected. Maybe I’m getting a little rusty in the afterlife.” She joked. 

“No Commander!” He defended and her eyebrows shot up. “Sorry I just…” How did he put it into words she could understand? 

“Just be more careful next time.” She covered for him carefully. “I wouldn’t know what to do without you.” 

“You would, you just wouldn’t have any competition.” His voice was nervous as he bit back bile. Was this it? They would just return to the way they were two years ago without another word passed between them? _Well maybe if you weren’t being such a coward._

She chuckled, “It was good to talk to you again. Tell me how the calibrations go.” He nodded but he was still fighting down his beating heart as the battery door closed. 

_Spirits help me._


	2. What if we change?

“Joker is the Commander serious?” Garrus walked up into the cockpit. The pilot swiveled in his chair, face brightening. 

“Garrus! It’s great to see you!” He caught his hand with a laugh. “Something seems a little different about you, did you get a haircut?” 

“It’s the new armor, I bet.” A flick of his mandible echoed the laugh deep in his sub-harmonics. “How have you been?” 

“Great, joining Cerberus wasn’t exactly my answer when they asked where I saw myself in five years but I’m dealing.” He glanced over as EDI’s VI flickered to life next to him. “My ship has an AI now.” 

“So I’ve heard. You seem as excited as the Commander.” Another flick of a smile as Joker frowned. 

“I have explained repeatedly that my protocols do not allow me to control the ship, I am merely a defense interface, yet Mr. Moreau still seeks to unhinge me from the system.” 

“Damn straight. Get out of my conversation.” He slapped the console and EDI vanished. “What were you saying, big and ugly?” 

Garrus chortled, “Commander Shepard said something about Purgatory. Was she being serious? That place is a hell hole.” 

“I guess that’s why they call it Purgatory.” Joker turned his back, bringing up their trajectory. “From what information I’ve gleaned out of the crew we’re going to collect a prisoner. High value target; Cerberus doesn’t want us knowing too much about him.” 

“Hmmm…” 

\--- 

She saw Garrus’ back turned to her in the cockpit and smiled, folding her arms over her chest. She had expected him to remain in the battery, but she supposed he couldn’t resist spending time with his old friends. _He’s missed them as much as I have._ She watched him shift his weight, catching his fingers on his angled hip. It was such a familiar movement for her, but it felt like déjà vu to be watching it again. 

It still felt strange to be _alive_. 

It was like waking up after a long nap and realizing that a whole day had passed you by. 

Except this day was two years long. Two whole years of the lives of those around her had passed. Two years of loving and hating and fighting and mistake making. Two years seemed like such a short time to many people… but with the way their lives moved two years heralded as many challenges as a decade. 

Garrus was no exception. 

All she wanted to do was sit down with her right hand man, her best friend, the person who above all people she could trust… and talk. She just wanted a simple exchange of words but somehow things stopped her. What if things had changed too much? What if he had changed? Or worse… 

What if _she_ had? 

If somewhere along the path to recovery her brain had been changed, her once dead heart beat again but could it be that she was a different person from the one she had been? Did Garrus see that? Was he worried about talking with her because of the fact that she had changed too much? 

“He’s really attractive isn’t he?” Yeoman Chambers interrupted her thoughts and she jumped, not quite realizing what she had been doing. “I think Turians are so intriguing. They’re like the bad boys of the galaxy with their spikes and unreadable faces.” She swooned slightly. “And Garrus is just such a sweet guy, I just want to pick him up and cuddle him and tell him it’ll be alright.” 

“I’m not sure it’d be easy to cuddle 7 feet of plates and spikes.” Shepard quipped as she dragged her eyes away from him. “I didn’t know you were into aliens?” 

“I am interested in all of our crew members, aliens aside, a mind is a mind and it doesn’t really matter what it’s encapsulated in.” Kelly smiled. “Are you interested?” 

“I don’t think my preferences are any of your business.” Shepard told her. “Garrus is my lieutenant for all intents and purposes.” 

“And your protégé if I remember correctly?” Kelly offered. “Don’t you think the master-student relationship is a romantic one?” 

“That’s enough Chambers.” Shepard shut her down and the blonde pouted irritably. When she looked up Garrus was looking back, ice blue eyes staring right through her. Her breath caught in her throat, he had always been intense but there was something about the way he was looking at her now that made her newly reconstituted insides squirm. She offered a queasy smile, hoping to satisfy him or… something? His uninjured mandible flicked out in a returned glance and she felt more at ease. _Garrus we have so much to talk about. I just wish I had the time._

\--- 

“Something’s going on there but I’m not sure what.” Joker said as the Commander turned and walked to Mordin’s lab. “What does she think about I wonder?” 

Garrus shook his head gently. “Honestly I wouldn’t want to be in her head right now. She’s purpose driven and battle hardened, meant for action and decision, and there are some things that a mind can’t wrap around. She probably has so many thoughts that would confuse you and I. About death and the permanence of it, about the worlds and their place in the galactic life, about how much weight she has been forced to carry by no fault of her own… about how a few years ago she was just a commander on an Alliance ship and now she’s the one creature in the whole of the galaxy that can stop the end of us all. She probably thinks about her choices sometimes, about how everything has led to this one moment in her life.” His voice faded into sub-harmonics when he realized Joker was staring at him, awestruck. 

“You’ve thought a lot about this, huh?” There was something in Joker’s eyes that made Garrus curious. It wasn’t the usual playful light, instead something more serious and affectionate. “Why don’t you go talk to her, then?” 

“I… boy would you look at the time?” He glanced at the console. “I left the calibrations to ask about Purgatory and spent too much time up here.” He retreated. “Good talking to you, Joker, I’ll buy you a drink next time we’re on leave.” 

“Sure…” Joker sounded curious but Garrus didn’t look back. _I couldn’t explain it even if I tried._

\--- 

When Jack was safely on board and their next target located Garrus took the chance to talk to Shepard. He had been aboard nearly two weeks now he had to grow a spine sometime. He tapped the door lightly with his talon, heart in his throat. When it slid open said organ attempted an escape. 

“Garrus.” Her face softened. She was dressed more casually than he usually saw her, jacket sleeves pushed up around her elbows showed the fading bruises from some brutality or another. A surge of desire to trace his tongue against every bruise and scar on her… to soothe all the pain she had suffered hit him so hard he saw stars. _That is not what you came here for!_ He had to push aside those thoughts, the ones that had haunted him on Omega in the dark of the dawn. “Sorry for being under dressed, come on in.” She led him in. 

“No it’s… understandable. You were pretty angry when we got back. I imagine you’d want to relax.” Garrus said apologetically. “I probably should have left you to it but I… wanted to know how you were doing.” 

“I’m fine. Seems like Cerberus is more treacherous than I thought. I get the feeling they knew what was going to happen when we got on that station.” She sighed. “Drink? I have some dextro-friendly here.” She offered. 

“You’re keeping alcohol on board now?” He chuckled. “Sure I can take one.” _What do I do now? What do I say to you?_

“I always have.” She replied, pouring him a drink. “Shit Garrus I don’t even know where to start.” She sighed suddenly. “I’m glad you’re here.” She looked at her empty fish tank, thinking. “I couldn’t do all this without you.” 

“Sure you could. Just not as stylishly.” He jested, mandibles flicking out. 

She laughed, searching his face thoughtfully, “Hey have you changed your bandages yet?” Between the railroaded look on his face and the grey shade of the bandage she guessed he hadn’t. “You know you’re supposed to, especially with the high risk of infection.” 

“I just haven’t had the chance to see Dr. Chakwas!” He defended as she walked over to him. 

“Here let me see.” She told him and he shifted away from her. “Damn it Garrus just come here!” 

“I’m fine really! I’ll have her change the padding in a minute.” He protested but she caught his cowl. 

“You were out fighting on Omega and Purgatory, you might have shrapnel or dirt in that bandage.” She told him. 

“I…” He searched her soft face, tracing the lines of her scars and feeling his heart clench. “It’s nothing to worry about! Really I can take care of it myself.” 

“Of course I’m worried. Vakarian if I’d have stayed back you wouldn’t have that damned injury.” 

“Shep—“ 

“Commander there’s a call from the Illusive Man for you in the comm room.” Joker said over the intercom. 

The tension in the room was palpable but Shepard drew away. “Go have Dr. Chakwas change that bandage.” She told him. 

“Yes ma’am.” He nodded. _Does she blame herself for what happened?_ Yet another unanswered question… but those always seemed to pop up around Shepard. 


	3. Rest, the time will come.

“COMMANDER LET’S GO!” He called as she turned to get off a few last shots, ramming the butt of her grenade launcher into one of the husks that reached for her. “SHEPARD!” She launched a grenade as the shuttle roared to life, loading one more. 

“I’M COMING!” She moved back towards the shuttle and launched one last grenade as Jack grabbed her armor to pull her inside. The explosion blew them back, knocking Shepard and Jack hard into Garrus as the shuttle closed. Smoke filled the air as he struggled to breathe, head aching. 

\--- 

Omega was a dingy, godforsaken place. Garrus could see the stench with sharp eyes and breathing was torture for more reasons than just the irrepressible pain in his chest. The scent of lead and gunpowder filled his nostrils as the muzzle of his rifle flashed. He could hardly hear the gunshots anymore. Could hardly tell the difference between his rifle and the return of the mercenaries'. It didn't much matter anymore. Nothing really mattered. 

Not without Shepard. 

It felt silly to him in a way, the turians were taught only the strong survive, but he had known Shepard's strength. He had seen her overcome odds time after time even when all the cards were placed against her. He had seen her single-handedly take out entire platoons of geth while her teammates were injured, a feat not even the most talented turian battalion could dream of... much less a single soldier. 

_I'm right on your ass, Commander._ He thought wryly as he loaded the chamber of his rifle once more and trained his sights. "Huh?" 

He found himself staring back, crouched with his back against what little cover the bridge provided. He could trace the edges of his fringe, see the burns on his face... 

Burns on his face. 

He pulled his sight as the other Garrus turned to shoot. _The bullet connected._

He shot upright on the bed and scrambled for his gun. "I'm afraid you won't find any weapons." He calmed as he heard Dr. Chakwas' voice. "You took a hard hit on the Collector ship, the Commander's grenade launcher misfired." 

"Dammit! Where is Shepard?" He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. 

"She's fine, you were knocked against the hull." Chakwas told him gently. "I'm certain you're attempting to test my patience Garrus, I can't keep patching you up." She joked. 

He huffed cheerfully, mandibles spreading in a smile. "I'll make sure to recalibrate the Commander's grenade launcher." He groaned. 

"Yes I did see some eardrum damage so expect headaches for a few days." Chakwas warned. "The Commander is furious, you might go see her." 

He nodded sharply, making a mental not to do that again, and thanked her before making for the CIC. The doors slid open just as he arrived, revealing a very angry Commander Shepard. “Garrus!” She nearly bumped into him. “You’re okay!” 

“It takes a lot more than grenade blowback to kill me.” He flicked his mandibles, relieved to see her uninjured. “Mind where you’re aiming next time. I’m rocket proof, not grenade resistant.” 

She laughed, one of his favorite sounds, something that came infrequently these days. It wasn’t anything like a turian laugh but there was something charming about the way she giggled. Maybe it was the way her green eyes glittered or the way she threw her head back and caught a slender hand against her chest as the noise emerged from her throat. Human laughter was something that had surprised him at first: it came so suddenly at times and remained for hours. Their humor was catching and joy was infectious, yet another feature of the humans he enjoyed. 

“I-It wasn’t that funny.” He chuckled as her shoulders shook. 

She shook her head, still giggling. “Oh Garrus I missed you.” She told him with a grin. “You’re the best thing to happen to this crew.” His chest swelled with pride. 

“I’m… a good addition.” His blue eyes flickered over her face. _Can we talk now?_ “I—“ 

“Hey do you have time to talk?” She asked him and his heart leapt. “I’ve got a break and I wanted your option on these dossiers I’ve been given.” She gestured. 

“Oh-Of course Shep-Commander!” He agreed eagerly, dropping his adult tone for a moment. “I mean… of course Commander.” He straightened up slightly. 

“Good. I’ll see you in my cabin in an hour.” She told him and he watched her go with apprehension. _What do I do?_

\--- 

When he knocked later and no one answered the door he hesitated to open it. “Commander Shepard is inside.” EDI said and Garrus stepped through the sliding doors. 

“Oh…” What EDI hadn’t bothered to tell him was that Shepard was sound asleep on her couch. Garrus felt a rush of emotion as he saw her: torn between happiness at her resting and sadness at her unavailability. Of course she was exhausted. She had been resurrected and immediately thrown into a battle for the universe. He could still see the sharp edges of her collarbones and the hard lines of her jaw, gaunt from their time among the dead… she was a shade of her former self even if she wouldn’t admit it. _What should I do? I can’t just stand here and stare at her._ Though that was all he really wanted to do. 

He took a step forward and she stirred, murmuring words in an undertone. His translator didn’t pick them up but he had the feeling she was dreaming about a mission. He could see the way her brow knitted, the way her shoulders were tensed… the way her lips parted just slightly in concentration. _Restless even in sleep. _He flicked his mandibles and reached out to touch her leg carefully, wary of any reflexive actions, before siding his arm under her knees and cradling her upper-body to carry her to the bed. He wondered for a moment if he should let her hair down, he had heard the phrase before but it had been explained it meant relaxing. He wasn’t sure if the term was physically applicable or derived from a metaphorical perspective… so he erred to the side of caution and didn’t touch it, retreating to the couch to watch her slee—read the dossiers she had mentioned.__

\--- 

She woke quite suddenly, sitting up sharply. A datapad clattered to the ground, drawing her groggy attention, before Garrus scrambled to pick it back up again. “Commander! I was reading the dossiers you mentioned…” 

“Oh…” She said a little dumbly, still not at functioning capacity. “Oh did you put me here?” She stretched, unfastening the collar of her uniform for a more relaxed fit. 

“Yes, I thought the couch was a little uncomfortable…” He responded, placing his hands primly in his lap… as if he were waiting for her to make a move. “I-I didn’t want to wake you.” 

“I rather’d you would have. I shouldn’t be sleeping on the job.” She yawned, but she did feel better after her long nap. “How long have I been out?” 

“Four standard hours.” He replied. “You needed your rest.” 

She murmured in response, watching him with that thoughtful expression she seemed to favor when she was considering her next move. “Thank you.” She said finally and his brows softened from the frown they were knitted in. 

“Of course, Shepard. I’d barricade the door if it meant you could get some rest.” He joked. 

“Let’s not upset the crew.” Shepard rose and walked over to him. “Scootch.” She gestured and he slide aside, half wondering what his translator had given him in exchange. “One day I wonder if I could learn Turian.” She mused and he chuckled. 

“There are several different dialects, it might be difficult. Plus you don’t have any sub-harmonics. You’d lose a lot of meaning.” 

She nodded, “I guess you’re right… but could you try and teach me one day? I’d like to greet you in your own tongue someday.” She grinned and he looked… well how did he look? His mandibles were slack and his brows high with surprise similar to a human’s, the lowest of his sub-harmonics was thrumming deep in his chest and she quirked an eyebrow. “Did I say something wrong? 

“N-No of course not! I just… I never expected you to want to speak to me in my own language. It’s… it’s an honor for you to desire such a thing… certainly we can always use the translators.” He offered as if to make sure she was serious. 

“Well yeah, as you said I can’t make the noises you make but it’d be fun to learn a little Turian? Would that be okay? It’s not taboo is it?” But she could see he was becoming a little excited. 

“No of course not! I’ll… I’ll think of some words to teach you in the meantime.” He said eagerly. “I think that—“ 

“Commander Shepard we’re pulling into orbit and about to dock.” EDI said on the overhead. 

“Okay EDI, thanks.” Shepard stood up. “Well we’d better get moving, soldier.” She felt regret somewhere in her belly as his eyes looked at her mournfully. _One day soon, Garrus._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAMN IT EDI. Anyway there should be some nice moments in the next chapter, maybe the beginning of a discussion finally?!


End file.
